


bury your burden baby (it's the way that you are)

by babytobin_horse



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-24 17:16:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4928302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babytobin_horse/pseuds/babytobin_horse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And your grandfather clock is still ticking/ but the chime never rings/ and how long must I stay/ will I lay by your side/ just to say that I'm yours/ oh, and you'll never be mine." - x ambassadors (litost)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There’s no doubt in Tobin’s mind that Alex is the definition of beautiful, but something about the striker when there’s no cameras, no teammates and nothing stopping her from giving Tobin that hungry look in her eye that’s something else. With only a sliver of moonlight from the windows to guide them, Tobin feels like she’s experiencing Alex Morgan unplugged.

She makes Tobin’s name sound like a prayer with every whimper and moan into the darkness of the room. The way she drags her nails down Tobin’s skin and lets her head fall back in pure bliss is enough to keep the midfielder wanting more. It’s as if nothing else exists when they’re alone, and the midfielder does everything she can to savour every moment of it because there’s fear instilled in her.

_Is this the last time?_

 

* * *

 

Tobin laughs, the bottom of her cup hitting the table a little too hard as her eyes squeeze shut when more laughter comes. She shakes her head, endlessly amused by the cheeky comment that escaped Allie’s lips.

“Fuck you,” Mana glares, but there’s a smile threatening to break through.

Allie’s smirk only widens at the comeback. “Not sure Maru would take that too kindly.”

It sets Tobin into another fit of laughter, and even Kendall’s eyes grow wide as she tries to cover her laughter by taking another sip of her drink.

“You’re the worst,” Mana whines, flicking a napkin at her.

“You wish.”

As the laughter settles down and Allie launches into a conversation about God knows what, Tobin leans back comfortably in her seat. Something about tonight just feels so good and right. They’ve pulled off a win against Chicago and are crawling back to the playoff race, and Tobin wants nothing more to add on to her resume in 2015 than a second championship with this club.

But that’s not it and Tobin knows it. She knows it’s more than just winning and being with her teammates. Her eyes wander around the bar with no purpose. She won’t find what she’s looking for. There’s a teammate missing tonight. She has bright blue eyes and a rasp in her voice that seems to hypnotize everyone with just one word.

Alex Morgan isn’t here.

And it almost feels sick to Tobin how she’s still looking for Alex when she knows damn well where the girl is. She knows she’s in whatever hotel Servando’s staying in, spending the night because he leaves tomorrow morning. She hates how that thought makes her stomach twist in ways it shouldn’t, how it takes away her smile and makes her set her jaw. It’s wrong, and Tobin damn well knows it, but she can’t help it at all.

The worst part of all is she can’t find a trace of guilt in her. She just feels weight on her shoulders because Alex is with Servando and not with them at the bar, and more specifically not with her.

“Hey.”

It’s a soft murmur, pulling Tobin out of her thoughts and back to the people around her. Mana and Kendall are in the midst of a riveting conversation about juicing or something, but Allie’s looking at her with this wary gaze and Tobin knows she’s caught on to Tobin’s train of thought.

“I know,” she softly replies.

Allie squeezes her knee, giving her a gentle smile. It’s not even like she knows every detail or any specifics of what Tobin and Alex are and what they do, but she’s around them enough to know it’s something and it’s hurting Tobin more than she cares to admit. That’s enough for her to be on the look out.

“You have good people around you,” the blonde tells her in a quiet tone. “Embrace it.”

Tobin nods, offering a half-hearted smile before picking back up on the conversation happening in front of them.

 

The next morning Tobin wakes up at 9:30 and finds to-go boxes from the Original Pancake House sitting on the kitchen table. She also finds Alex sipping her to-go cup of coffee in her hand.

“Went out to eat this morning,” she explains as Tobin slowly walks over. “Thought I’d get you some breakfast.”

It’s a sweet gesture, or at least it should be. Tobin knows the parts of Alex’s morning she left out. She knows Alex went with Servando before dropping him off at the airport. It’s only confirmed when Tobin lifts up the lid of the box and finds her pancakes a little soggy from being out so long.

“Thanks,” she says anyway, taking a seat at the table.

It’s silent for a few minutes, tension hanging in the air. Alex stays in her place, leaning against the counter and sipping her coffee while Tobin eats her pancakes and bacon, trying to find the right words to say. There’s nothing to say though, not right now. They don’t talk about Servando, not when they can help it. It’s an unspoken rule they’ve come to, ever since they started.

Tobin’s not even sure these days when it began. All she knows is she’s loved Alex for too many years.

“I could be cleared to play soon,” Alex finally says as Tobin scrapes the bottom of the foam box with her plastic fork.

The midfielder’s head lifts up from her food. “How soon?”

Alex shrugs. “Not in time for Kansas City, but maybe for Pittsburgh and Chattanooga.”

Tobin’s lips curl up into a smile. “That’s great!”

The smile Alex shoots back at her makes her heart swell too big. “About damn time, you know?”

It’s moments like these that Tobin knows she’d do anything to see the younger woman smile just like that every single chance she gets. She loves how happy the idea of being on the field again - and being healthy on the field - makes the forward. She loves the genuine happiness and glint of light Alex’s eyes have when she talks about the idea of playing with no restrictions again.

“Definitely,” she answers with a wide smile.

 

* * *

 

They lose 3-0 to Kansas City.

Alex doesn’t play as expected - “she’s not quite ready yet,” the trainers say - while Tobin puts in yet another full ninety with nothing to show for. Play offs are slipping away from their grasp with this loss as other teams continue to succeed. If they don’t make it, it’ll be the first year since the league began that the Thorns don’t play post season and it all kind of sucks.

Alex manages small talk with her teammates. Tobin stays to herself, tension evident from the way her jaw never truly relaxes.

Lauren doesn’t play at all for Kansas City; she doesn’t even suit up. Amy has to go home after the game to take care of Ryan who’s sick and crying. Tobin doesn’t get upset, she just broods over the game.

“Are you coming out with us?” Allie asks Alex as the team piles onto the bus. “We figured we’d get drinks because why the fuck not. We could all use one.”

“No kidding,” Alex lets out a humourless chuckle at the statement, considering Allie’s offer. She turns to see Tobin with her back slung on her shoulder and eyes trained on the ground. “but I think I’m just going to go back to the hotel.”

When Allie’s eyes go from her to Tobin and back Alex adds, “Maybe call Servando and see how he’s doing.”

It’s weak, they both know it. Alex knows Allie knows it by the way she looks at her like she’s a little pathetic.

“Sure,” the blonde nods, adjusting the bag on her shoulder.

Alex nods, starting to make her way to the bus.

“Hey Alex.”

“Yeah?” She turns, facing Allie once again.

“She’s hurting.”

The striker closes her eyes, letting out a low sigh. “Maybe it’s not just her.”

“That’s not fair and you know it.”

Alex sees more of her teammates filing out of the stadium. “Goodnight, Allie. Don’t drink too much.”

 

In boxers and a big t-shirt, Tobin considers just calling it a night and going to bed right now. Most of her teammates are out and she doesn’t think she’s up for watching anything on Netflix right now. Maybe it’d be nice to laugh, but she just can’t find it in her. Allie’s bed is still made and Tobin can only imagine what time she’ll be coming back.

Just as she begins to slide under her covers, there’s a knock at her door. Tobin’s brows furrow, knowing very well there’s no reason for Allie to be knocking when she has her own key.

“If she lost her key I swear…” she mumbles as she gets up from her inviting hotel bed.

Tobin’s surprised to find a freshly showered Alex Morgan at her door.

“Hey,” she says quietly, the rasp in her voice catching.

“Hi,” Tobin blinks for a moment, opening the door to invite her in. “Why aren’t you out with everyone else?”

“You’re frustrated,” Alex points out, as if it’s obvious and just that simple when she closes the door behind her. “and upset.”

The midfielder looks at her for a long moment. The air between them is tense and heavy; both feeling like they could very well suffocate if they don’t say anything. Alex waits for Tobin to speak. The older woman’s expression is hard to read, but that’s just another thing about her. Most things about Tobin are a mystery until you get to know her inside and out.

Just like Alex knows her.

“That doesn’t explain anything,” Tobin finally says.

The striker only shakes her head, taking a step closer to her. “I’m not leaving you alone to sulk.”

“I’m not sulking.” Tobin’s voice is low and even and her breathing slows because Alex is too close to her and her fingers are itching to reach out to her. “I’m pissed.”

This is all small talk and they both know it. None of this conversation they’re having means anything they’re actually saying. It’s everything they’re not saying that screams between them in the air. Their eyes are challenging each other to make the first move. It’s the line they dangerously walk on every single time they do this. Tobin wonders how long they’ll walk until they finally cross over tonight.

“I know,” Alex all but whispers, her fingers reaching up and tracing Tobin’s jawline gently.

“I miss you out there with me,” she huffs quietly, eyes flickering down to the forward’s soft pink lips.

“I’ve missed you.”

Tobin knows she doesn’t mean the same thing.

“Have you?” It’s a bit more bitter than she intends and she can tell by the way Alex wavers for a moment.

Except after a beat Alex only hums before pressing her lips against Tobin’s. There’s a burning sensation when Alex kisses her; Tobin can feel it in the way her chest swells and how her lungs feel like they’re on fire.

She craves this feeling every moment she's thinking about the forward.

Alex crosses her mind a lot.

The older woman returns the favor almost immediately, hands gripping at Alex's waist desperately, needing her closer in every sense of the word. One of Alex’s hands finds its place on Tobin’s jaw, as the other arm wraps around Tobin’s neck before her kisses get deeper.

It quickly becomes hard and sloppy, but Tobin just needs Alex in a way she can’t even begin to describe. She needs Alex like the way she needs air; she can’t explain what it feels like not to have her there. Tongues growing careless as they roam inside mouths, eliciting a moan from either one of them - maybe it’s both of them. Alex guides them to the closest bed (which Tobin prays isn’t Allie’s - well, she would if she wasn’t occupied), her hand that was previously on Tobin’s jaw now tangled in her hair. Tobin lets her, fingers dangerously drumming along the waistband of Alex’s shorts.

Tobin’s knees buckle as soon as they fell the bed behind them, sending Alex forward and on top of Tobin with a thud. They’ve done this too many times to fall awkwardly though, because Alex stradels Tobin, hovering over her as she nips at Tobin’s lip. The midfielder’s hands slide up to under Alex’s shirt from the fall, running over her abs.

“Alex,” she breathes against Alex’s lips as the younger woman rolls her body to meet Tobin’s center.

Alex doesn’t speak. She instead lets her hands find Tobin’s, guiding them to her shirt and eventually tugging it off.

She stares at Tobin with blue-eyes a few shades darker than Tobin knows they should be with hair falling into her face. There’s an almost predatory look in her eye that Tobin’s too familiar with now.

“I need you,” Alex whispers before leaning down to kiss away anything Tobin might say.

Tobin doesn’t form a coherent sentence after that.

 

* * *

 

Allie doesn’t come back that night. Tobin wonders if it’s because she really does know or if she was too drunk to function. Either one seems like an actual possibility. She wonders this as she stays in bed, eyes closed when her alarm goes off for breakfast before they fly back out to Portland.

She doesn’t open her eyes and lets her alarm go off until it finally stops after two minutes because she knows what comes next. Even though she can still feel the burning on her lips and the ghost of Alex’s touch on her skin, Tobin knows what she’ll wake up to. Once she opens her eyes, she’ll find that she’s the only person occupying her bed. She won’t see bright blue eyes watching her and won’t hear a raspy “good morning” with a smile or a soft laugh.

Mornings like that don’t happen between her and Alex because the younger one leaves every single time. Most nights she’ll leave after, sometimes she waits until Tobin’s asleep. Other times, she accidentally falls asleep and wakes up at an ungodly hour, remembers where she is and tries (but fails because Tobin wakes up, she just doesn’t open her eyes) to quietly collect all her belongings and leave.

Tobin doesn’t try to talk to her about it anymore. She doesn’t find the courage to ask Alex why she does this or what it means.

She’s already tried that once and doesn’t want to try it again.

“I need you and you need me,” Alex had said once. “You’re my Tobin. Isn’t that enough?”

Tobin had looked at her with a broken gaze because no, it most certainly was not enough. Alex had Servando.

“Let’s keep it simple,” she had also said. “It’s just you and me, Tobin. We both need this, right?”

And Tobin, with a confused look on her face for a moment, nods and smiles. “Yeah.”

Except what exactly did they need from this? Tobin wonders now, turning in her hotel bed to find that yes, once again, there is no one else. Her and Alex were too complicated to keep simple, but she didn’t want to loser her best friend, so she let it happen. She let Alex sneak into her room late at night and kiss her senseless. She let Alex pant and moan her name. She let her murmur endless compliments into her mouth, her skin, every part of her being.

She let herself love Alex Morgan in every single way she could show because she’s not good with words and saying “I love you” to someone who’s in love with someone else isn’t exactly a great thing to do.

But Alex has to love her too, right? To some extent? Because you don’t sleep with someone over and over, be their best friend for years and give them longing gazes without loving them. At least, Tobin would hope not.

She finally makes her way down to breakfast after pulling on a t-shirt and sweats, mumbles her good mornings and sits down at the first table she finds. When Alex comes in, hair up in a bun and eyes bright and shining like they always are, she of course smiles back and says “good morning” when Alex greets her as she sits down at the table.

On the plane, they sit next to each other and talk about everything they normally talk about. They talk about trivial little things, and it should drive Tobin insane because they can talk about literally anything and everything except for why Alex shows up at her door late at night or how she leaves early in the morning. They don’t talk about what it all means or how wrong it is for this to happen.

But Tobin doesn’t want to lose her best friend, and even though she knows this is all kinds of fucked up she lets it happen. She loves Alex Morgan so much she can’t lose her now.

She can’t lose her even though her heart hurts and her eyes fix themselves on her shoes when Alex receives a call from Servando and she greets him with, “Hi baby.”

 

* * *

 

When they arrive in Pittsburgh, Tobin’s stomach begins to drop. Twenty-two women are around her, greeting each other with laughter and hugs and smiles. She knows it’s supposed to be a celebration, something she should be happy about, but two of these women had started this journey to the World Cup with her, way back in 2008 when they were young college kids just trying to make their dreams come true. One of those two would hang up her cleats soon, and this game was the beginning of the end.

It makes Tobin incredibly sad.

But when Lauren catches sight of her, she pulls her into a tight squeeze of a hug, kissing the top of her head and saying, “No tears. We’re enjoying every single moment.”

Tobin looks at her, trying her best to muster a genuine smile. “Yes ma’am,” she mocks.

Lauren laughs, pulling her into another hug. It’s warm and caring and loving and every single thing Tobin only understands as Lauren Cheney. It’s everything she wishes Alex could give her.

She doesn’t tell anyone that. Not when the last days leading up to this trip have been filled with making out on the couch when Allie’s not around. All Tobin wishes is to be with Alex in all the ways she can’t.

"How are you?"

It sounds innocent enough to anyone else, but Tobin knows she's asking about Alex - or rather, her situation with Alex. Which Tobin doesn't even know if she could consider a real "situation."

"It's fine," she lies with a shrug. "I'm good."

Lauren stares at her for a long moment. The longevity of the silence between them makes the younger woman shift uncomfortably. No matter how nonchalant Tobin's answer sounds, Lauren knows better. She always knows better.

“This can’t keep going on forever,” the curly-haired midfielder murmurs with a pointed look.

Tobin can’t even think of a response before Dawn calls their attention for the evening’s agenda. She bites her lip instead as her stomach twists because she knows Lauren’s right; it can’t keep going on forever.

Alex is married. Alex always leaves. Alex doesn’t stay.

Tobin is tired of waking up alone and hearing her name escape Alex’s lips only in the quiet of the night when the door’s locked and no one else knows what’s going on.

 

Pittsburgh is some sort of relief. Tobin rooms with Julie. She's a good kid, Tobin knows her future's bright. She's bubbly and friendly and helps the midfielder think about other things - and by other things she means things that don't revolve around Alex. She kind of wishes she could take Julie back to Portland with her.

She jumps onto the pitch for the first of the last times with Lauren and Amy. Lauren refuses to let them get emotional over it. Tobin also hits 99 caps that night, coming on in the second half. It feels good playing with this team again. She feels like she can do anything with these girls by her side.

Alex doesn't play. Not yet.

"They just want to be safe," Alex tells her before the game, before everyone else knows. "Jill said it's likely I'll see the field next game."

There's shining excitement in her already bright eyes that makes Tobin's grin so wide it almost breaks her face.

"The return of the great Alex Morgan."

The younger woman laughs. "Sorry, I hope I don't take away from your big one hundred."

Tobin shrugs. "I don't mind sharing with you."

She actually doesn't mind a lot of things when it comes to Alex. Like how Alex likes to lean on her when they're watching movies, or how she smells like vanilla when she's fresh out of the shower, or how she can make Tobin feel like everything in the world is right with just one look.

But of course she doesn't say that because this is normal. This, right here, this conversation. They're friends, best friends.

But Tobin doesn't sleep with her other best friends. She also isn't in love with them.

 

* * *

 

Chattanooga is exciting for both of them.

Tobin indeed gets her hundredth cap. Her hundredth time to step on the field and represent her country and everything she loves. Lauren picks her up and squeezes her into a tight hug before they jump. Amy tears up but refuses to admit it.

"Our little Tobin all grown up!" she exclaims, beaming at the midfielder.

"I'm not a child." Tobin smiles anyway.

Not even the rain delay can wipe the smile off Tobin's face.

Alex makes her return in the pouring rain. When Tobin really thinks about it, it's ironic how it all plays out. Of course Alex would make her return in the midst of the rain. There's poetry behind it that Tobin can't quite understand yet, but it's saying something to her.

She's not really sure it's something good.

But then Alex scores (off her boob, Tobin notes) and the crowd goes wild and Alex is beating her chest as Kelley rushes to her and Tobin can't help but feel like this is home. This, with these people on a field with a soccer ball.

Despite the cold raindrops sticking to her skin, Tobin gets warm all over when Alex beams at her from her spot on the field.

 

Tobin's freshly showered and debating on jumping into bed when her phone beeps with a text.

 

> **Alex** : Is your roommate there?
> 
>   
>    
> 

It's all too familiar. She could ignore it and pretend she's asleep already. Maybe that's the smartest move for her.

 

> **Tobin** : Nah. Went out with friends. Gone the whole night.
> 
>  
> 
> **Alex** : Can I come over?

 

The midfielder's jaw tightens as she reads the text. She knows she should say no, knows she should probably end it and tell Alex she can't keep doing this to her. She can't keep taking a piece of Tobin's heart when she leaves the next morning, can't keep making Tobin feel like she's suffocating. Alex can't keep moaning Tobin's name and making her hope there's something there but easily fall into routine with Servando like nothing's changed.

She finds herself replying before she can stop herself.

 

> **Tobin** : knock four times
> 
>  
> 
> **Alex** : You're a dork

 

Tobin lets out a soft chuckle, rolling her eyes before putting her phone to the side. Only moments later, she hears the four knocks she’s been expecting. She opens the door and Alex practically bounces in, eyes bright and smile wide.

“Hello there,” Tobin chuckles, turning to face her.

She doesn’t even have another moment to react before she’s being pressed up against the wall behind her and lips are on her own. There’s something different than the last time in Kansas City. There’s no burning sensation of frustration behind Alex’s lips, nor is there a rough urgency. No, this time Tobin feels Alex’s movements just as quickly, but they’re lighter.

“Damn,” the midfielder mumbles when she finally pulls away to take a breath. Her eyes are half closed and Alex is looking at her with that damn look in her hooded pretty blue eyes again that she can’t seem to quite catch her breath.

Alex’s lips turn up into a wicked grin. “Tonight calls for celebration.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Alex breathes.

Tobin likes Alex’s way of celebrating a lot.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Something’s different when Tobin wakes up.

She can tell in the way the bed feels heavier than usual. This isn’t something Tobin’s used to. Then there’s the air on the bed of her neck, and the arm slung around her so carelessly. Tobin tenses for a moment, wondering if she’s dreaming. She’s pretty sure this has to be a dream; there’s no actual way she’s waking up to this. This situation right now is figments of her wildest dreams.

Tobin doesn’t know if she should turn around to face Alex or pretend she’s asleep and let this last longer. There might not ever be another moment like this again. She wants to enjoy the domesticity of it all.

But of course, she’s an idiot and turns around as slowly and quietly as she possibly can. Alex stirs slightly, but it’s not enough to bring her into consciousness. Tobin takes advantage of it, taking in Alex’s current state. Her hair’s splayed across her pillow and her features are soft and relaxed. Her lips are slightly parted, soft breaths coming out with every exhale. The forward’s typical furrow of her eyebrows is nowhere to be seen, and her bright blue eyes for once aren’t staring at Tobin like a dare.

It’s this moment right here that Tobin decides this is her favorite Alex. This is the most beautiful Alex Morgan she’s come across in the years she’s known her.

Yet her perfect image is rippled once Alex begins to wake up. Tobin almost stops breathing, bracing herself for what’s to come. She’s trapped in her position, unsure what to do.

“Good morning,” she mumbles gently as Alex stirs.

“Morning,” Alex responds with a soft sigh, eyes still closed.

Then her brows furrow. Tobin bites her lip.

Bright blue eyes peek through half-closed eyelids. “Tobin?” she questions.

“Hi,” she dumbly responds. _Idiot_. “You uh…”

She struggles think of a the right words to string together because even “I literally just woke up” Alex manages to make her stumble over her words. Plus Alex’s arm is still slung around her waist and Tobin’s skin burns with each second that passes.

“Last night,” she croaks out finally.

Alex’s eyes are wide open now. “Did I fall asleep here?”

“I guess so...”

“Shit.”

Despite being under the sheets still, Tobin’s waist goes cold when Alex immediately pulls her arm away from her. She watches as Alex abruptly hops out of bed without a second thought about being naked and scavenges around for her articles of clothing around the room, pulling them on as she finds them. Tobin sits up with the covers covering her chest, watching wordlessly. Her shoulders droop without meaning to, and her stomach’s doing that stupid thing again where it drops and feels empty. It’s the same thing over and over again, and Tobin would’ve been a fool to think any different.

“You don’t have to go this time.”

Alex pauses, t-shirt in hand. Her back is to Tobin, but she can still see Alex tense up. The midfielder immediately regrets letting it slip out of her mouth.

After too long of a silence Alex responds, “I can’t stay. You know that” before pulling on her shirt.

“But why?”

There it is again. Waking up to Alex holding her this morning must’ve induced some kind of word vomit because Tobin knows better than to ask questions like this. The younger woman is shutting down on her and she knows it; she can tell by the way Alex is still tense and her own heart is pounding way too fast.

The silence continues as Alex grabs a hair tie from Tobin’s side of the room and pulls her hair up into a bun. The midfielder feels like she’s pissed Alex off; silence over a harsh answer is worse.

Except Alex finally turns around, a dull look in her eyes.

“Don’t make this complicated, Tobin.”

The forward makes her exit, the door slamming a little too loudly behind her.

“But this _is_ complicated,” Tobin says to the empty hotel room, letting her back fall back onto the bed with a soft thud.

* * *

The flight back to Portland is silent. They sit next to each other - they kind of have to, that’s the way they bought their tickets - but Alex already has her headphones on when they get to their terminal so Tobin follows suit. She can’t help but steal glances at the forward every few minutes and wonders if Alex can tell. She also wonders what’s going on in Alex’s mind because it’s damn near impossible to understand anything about Alex these days. There used to be times where Tobin could figure Alex out with one look. Now, Tobin takes too many and still doesn’t know a single thing.

When they land, Alex is still silent, wordlessly handing Tobin her carry on before they exit the plane. So is the walk to Alex's car, as is the ride back to the apartment. Alex hardly does so much as glance in Tobin's direction and it's putting the older girl on edge.

She's never been shut out quite like this; she has no clue how to deal with it. She knows Alex will need her space, but doesn't she understand this hurts her too? To know everything she wants can only be hers at night? To be so in love with someone that can never be yours fully? On the nights Alex doesn't trace Tobin's skin with her lips, the midfielder stays up wondering just how long she can take this. She can't help but ask herself if this is really worth it - if having Alex love her only for the night is enough for her.

She wants to say it is. It's worth conditionally being Alex’s because she's unconditionally in love with the younger woman. Because if there were different universes, there would be one where Alex and Tobin belong together without the dark sky keeping their secret.

Tobin often wishes she could be in that alternate universe when Alex gets on the phone with Servando as soon as she drops her bags at the door. Despite closing her door and curling into herself on her bed, Tobin can still hear the "I love you too babe. Miss you," from Alex in the hallway as she makes her way to her respective bedroom.

She lets out a soft scream into her pillow.

* * *

Alex makes her NWSL return against Sky Blue.

Things are okay between them now; they’re back to being normal - or as normal as they can be at least. Tobin gave her space and tried to stay out of her way, knowing this was the way to let the forward cool off. Alex ends up going out with Allie or Mana a lot, leaving Tobin in the apartment by herself. It’s not until four days later when Tobin’s watching the Barcelona game in the living room when Alex comes out of her room and sits next to the couch with her. Tobin tries not to make a deal out of it, eyes focused on the screen and not the odd space between her and the forward.

“How are we doing?” Alex asks after a long couple of minutes.

Tobin shrugs, eyes still on the game. “Good possession, but the game’s getting a little dirty.”

Twenty minutes later, they’re both screaming at the TV and laughing. Tobin relaxes; it’s okay again. Alex isn’t mad at her.

The forward’s return to the NWSL the following week is bitter, a 1-0 loss. They’re all tired of this: tired of losing and drawing and doing everything but securing a spot in the play offs. Paul keeps telling them there’s still a chance - a slim one, but it’s there - to make play offs. Tobin’s drained. Alex is frustrated again. It’s not a good enough reason to drink with the team - no it’s much too depressing - so they go out with Kelley instead.

“How’s the knee feeling?” Kelley asks as they all settle in with their first drink.

Alex shrugs, licking her lips in the way Tobin wishes she wouldn’t. “Feeling pretty good. It’ll probably be a little sore in the morning, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

The defender on the other side of her laughs, raising an eyebrow with a tease. “Is there anything you can’t handle?”

Tobin chuckles softly and continues to sip her drink quietly. It’s nice having Kelley around, she decides She’s the median, keeps everything on the same level. It’s not like Tobin’s flat out said anything to her about Alex, but being their best friend Kelley seems to balance it all out. She suddenly wishes Kelley lived with them in Portland, too. Not to take anything away from Allie, but Kelley’s just more mellow.

In times likes these, everything seems to be just fine. It’s Kelley, Alex and Tobin going out because they’re all best friends and just best friends.

She excuses herself to the bathroom, insisting she’s not a child and doesn’t need one of them to accompany her - she’s never really understood the girl code of going with someone else. As she wipes her hands and makes her way back to her friends, Tobin’s contemplating going back to the hotel so she gets a good amount of rest before they fly back when she catches sight of them. Their heads are lowered, mouths murmuring words too soft for Tobin to understand. Neither of them seem to notice her approaching, and she tries to stay unnoticed. Kelley’s eyes are hard, the hazel flecks daring Alex to challenge whatever she’s saying.

Tobin can hear the end of Kelley’s sentence as she nears.

“...can’t keep doing this Alex,”

“Why does everyone think I’m the enemy?”

“I’m just-”

Alex’s eyes flicker to Tobin, who almost freezes once their eyes meet. Kelley follows her gaze as well and then quickly lifts her head, trying to signal the end of the conversation. Alex is staring at her with hard eyes.

“It’s not your life, Kelley. Stay out of my business.”

Tobin’s never heard Alex’s voice sound so hard and final. She watches Kelley’s jaw clench. She knows whatever’s going on is trouble.

Instead of getting to the bottom of it, she looks at the forward. “I’m thinking of heading back to the hotel.”

“Perfect!” Alex’s face relaxes almost instantly and she hops out of her chair. “I was thinking the same thing.”

“Do you need a ride too Kelley?” Tobin asks. “We can split a ride.”

“No,” Kelley answers too quickly. “I think I’ll be fine getting my own.” She stands, pulling Tobin into a hug. “Take care, Tobs.”

Something in the way her shorter friend says those three words words makes Tobin’s brows furrow.

“Always am,” she responds, pulling away.

Kelley just looks at her with a sad smile. “Alex.”

“See you,” the striker nods, grabbing Tobin’s arm before leading her out of the bar.

"Hey hey," Tobin says as Alex drags them towards the edge of the street, her hand gripping Tobin's arm a little too tightly. "What the hell was that about?"

Alex whips her head around to face her, something lurking in her eyes. "Nothing Tobin, let's just get back to the hotel."

From the look in Alex's eye, she knows not to ask any questions. She tries not to let her mind go into overdrive when Alex grabs her hand as they wait for a cab, or when Alex almost roughly tugs her inside, sitting so their legs are pressed together the whole ride home. The way the younger woman’s fingers tap impatiently against Tobin’s skin on her thigh makes Tobin focus on her breathing, and she notices the dangerous look in those blue eyes.

“Alex,” she says in nothing more than a whisper, trying not to draw attention from the driver.

“What?” she hisses, whipping her head to face the midfielder.

There’s an intensity blazing in her features that Tobin knows wasn’t there before she left for the restroom back at the bar. Her stomach drops because she knows where this will lead, but a part of her can’t help the fire she feels spreading through her veins because Alex would be hers for the night.

But that’s the problem: it’s just for the night.

“You should probably-”

She doesn’t get to finish her sentence because fingers are grabbing her chin and there’s lips on top of hers, kissing hard. When Alex pulls away, Tobin’s wide eyed and surprised. She turns to look at the driver, but he seems completely focused on the road as they approach the hotel.

“Don’t,” the raspy voice breathes out, giving Tobin one last look before facing forward again.

Tobin’s mouth is slightly opened, staring blatantly at Alex as their ride comes to a stop. The forward drops enough cash into his hand before opening the door and dragging the midfielder out with her by the wrist. The older woman’s too confused to say anything, wordlessly letting Alex lead. The elevator ride is silent with tension in the air, Alex burning gazes into Tobin’s skin. The midfielder’s just trying to keep her breathing even. As soon as they get through the hotel door, Alex slams it shut before pushing Tobin against it.

She can’t even get a word out before Alex is tangling her hands in her hair and roughly kissing her on the mouth. It’s aggressive and fast; Tobin doesn’t understand any of it. She gently tries to push Alex off, turning her face to breathe for air.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asks, her brows furrowed at the action.

Tobin’s hands find Alex’s hips and gently push her a little farther away. “Shouldn’t I ask you that?”

“I’m fine, what are you talking about?” she says, still trying to catch her breath.

“You’re not,” the midfielder states, looking her in the eye. “This has something to do with Kelley. What were you talking about while I was gone?”

Alex’s jaw clenches and she pulls her hands away from Tobin, looking away. “It’s nothing,” she insists, running a hand through her hair. “I don’t want you to get involved.”

“But aren’t I already?”

She’s not accusing Alex of anything - how could she? Tobin knows she’s at fault too here. But Alex’s eyes widen just enough to show panic.

“No no no no,” the younger woman says quickly, her hands immediately brushing up and down Tobin’s arms. “Tobin no, don’t you ever-no.” She shakes her head, hands resting halfway up Tobin’s arm. “We’re fine, right? You and I...we’re comfortable…”

Tobin nods slowly, easily mesmerized by the bright blue eyes focused on her. “Yeah, yeah we are. I’m your best friend, Lex.”

Alex nods slowly, visibly relaxing at the statement. “And this...this is...good. And people don’t understand, but who cares?” It’s like an inner-monologue not meant for Tobin to hear, but Alex keeps going anyway and Tobin does nothing to stop her thought process. “We know what we’re doing, that’s all that matters.”

Tobin swallows because Alex is looking at her with such an intense edge that she feels like she could explode at any given moment. And the way Alex kept rambling has three words caught in Tobin’s throat that she knows could ruin everything if she says them. So she doesn’t.

“Yeah,” Tobin finally says when she realizes Alex is seeking her confirmation on her spiel, because really what else is she supposed to say?

“You’re my Tobin, aren’t you?”

“Always,” she whispers back.

There’s a smile forming on Alex’s face, the one where Tobin knows Alex is relaxed and comfortable and maybe a little relieved. She can’t help it when she’s the one that leans in to kiss the smile off her face.

* * *

They manage a steady enough rhythm - as steady as they could be, that is. Practice is grueling; no one's happy and everyone is fed up with the way things are going. They know they won’t make playoffs, not at this rate. So they just keep pushing to win their last game. Tying against Washington was frustrating enough.

Alex is a frequent visitor of Tobin’s bedroom. She lets herself in and locks the door - just in case - and has that predatory gleam in her eye. Tobin tries to savor it; she tries to remember every curve of Alex’s body and the way her name sounds from Alex’s lips because she doesn’t know how much more she can take, doesn’t know how many times she can keep waking up without Alex. She thinks for awhile she can do it, thinks she can just be okay with being able to hold Alex without regard for just the dark hours, but it gets harder every time she finds only the ghost of Alex’s lips on her skin. It’s harder when Servando calls her almost every day and every time he does Tobin just has to be with her.

So it really shouldn’t be a surprise when they’re on the way to their last training before their last game of the season and Alex says, “Servando asked me what I think of playing in Orlando.”

Tobin’s eyes narrow slightly as she turns to face her. “Orlando? But I thought they weren’t planning on expanding this year.”

“So did I,” Alex says, eyes still on the road. Her fingers on the steering wheel are tapping along to the beat of the music. “but he said they’re in talks and it looks like Orlando’s going to push for it.”

“Oh,” is all Tobin says, looking out her window.

There’s a silent pause before Alex adds, “It’s kind of up to me if they push.”

Oh, of course it is. Tobin lets out a soft hum, nodding her head. She tries to sound as nonchalant as possible. “And what do you want?”

“I haven’t decided.”

The conversation dies there as Alex pulls into her spot and kills the engine. The music dies with it, and they sit there for a moment. Tobin doesn’t know how to respond and if she even should respond, but Alex is already hopping out of the car and grabbing her gear from the back. 

* * *

Tobin tries not to read into it. She shouldn’t even be surprised at this statement at all. Servando was in Houston for a while and they used that as reason enough to start a team, even if Alex didn’t end up leaving. The striker insisted she’d rather stay in Portland, but now the Thorns were somewhat of a joke now - even Tobin can see that. Without a spot in the play offs, Paul’s going to have to do some serious talking to keep his job, and there might not be enough to keep Alex here anymore.

Tobin might not be enough to keep Alex here anymore.

“Do you think she’s going to do it?”

The midfielder lets out a soft sigh into the phone, closing her eyes. She had called Lauren because her thoughts wouldn’t shut up. It’d started awkwardly at first until Tobin just blurted out the big news about Orlando.

“I don’t know Laur,” she admits, rubbing the back of her neck. “She probably hasn’t made up her mind yet, so…”

Lauren hums into the phone before saying, “You two still…”

“Yeah,” Tobin mumbles, eyes immediately looking to the ground even though her older friend can’t see her.

“Oh Tobs,” the curly-haired woman sighs. “You guys can’t; it’s not fair to everyone involved.”

“I know,” she cringes.

“Including you,” Lauren adds softly. “Think of yourself, Tobin. This isn’t fair to you.”

The Portland midfielder is silent for a moment, knowing Lauren is right in every sense she means. She stares at the black screen of the TV in her hotel room, trying to collect her thoughts.

When she doesn’t say anything, Lauren decides to continue. “Orlando or not, you need to straighten this out with her.”

“I know,” Tobin finally says and after a beat adds, “Thank you Cheney.”

“I’m always here,” the older midfielder assures her, and Tobin can hear the soft smile over the phone. “Now you focus on your last game of the season tomorrow.”

* * *

They lose to Western New York Flash, of all teams.

The whole team goes out after returning to the hotel to dress up a little because why the hell not, season’s over. Tobin decides she should drink a lot; Alex dances with Mana and some others. It’s their last night together as a team. Tobin can’t say she remembers every detail, and to be fair she doesn’t think anyone else can.

Portland welcomes them home in style, as usual. Fans greet them as they exit their gate, smiles and all. Tobin can’t help but feel a warmth spread through her chest. This is why she loves Portland, this is why she stays. She watches as Alex greets fans, smiling for pictures and signing soccer balls for the little ones.

She wonders if Orlando’s potential fans could ever compare to what Alex has here in Portland. Tobin knows she wouldn’t trade this for the world.

But Alex? Tobin isn’t so sure.

They don’t talk about Orlando. In fact, it hasn’t even been brought up by either of them. The two move around each other, packing their belongings for the off season. Tobin’s flying out to France to see her PSG teammates and hang out for awhile because, well, she can. Alex is flying to Orlando - no surprise. The thought makes Tobin’s stomach twist.

She wonders if being with Servando for so long will change Alex.

“Wine!” Alex announces, a bottle of red wine in her grasp as Tobin walks into the kitchen.

Tobin raises an eyebrow. “What are we celebrating?”

The forward shrugs, grabbing two glasses from the cabinet they hadn’t packed yet. “We finished packing, got through another season and are about to continue our victory tour?”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume you’re just listing things going on in our lives as an excuse to drink,” Tobin teases, but smiles anyway when Alex pours into one glass and hands it to her.

“I don’t see you objecting,” Alex points out, smirking as she pours her own glass. She’s satisfied when all Tobin does is shrug and take a sip.

And Tobin knows she shouldn’t be doing this, knows it can’t be good for her. She wants to end it, whatever this thing is. She used to think doing this and keeping Alex happy would be worth it, worth being hers only in secrets all their own, but waking up to empty beds and phone calls to Orlando is too much to handle.

She just hasn’t told Alex yet, doesn’t know how because “Hey, I don’t want to sleep with you anymore even though I’m in love with you because I’m tired of having my heart left on the floor” isn’t exactly the kind of conversation Tobin likes to have.

So she keeps sipping wine and laughing at Alex’s stupid jokes that probably aren’t even funny anyway.

* * *

Flushed faces and a little too much laughter comes hours later. The wine bottle is empty, laying on its side on the kitchen counter. Late night TV is nothing but a low hum in the apartment and phones are left forgotten on the coffee table. Tobin’s back is pressed against the seat of the couch, her mouth on Alex’s. She likes the taste of wine and strawberry chapstick against her lips, the way soft lips complement her always chapped ones. She’s not sure if it’s the wine or the seemingly perfect moment she feels she’s been blessed with, but something in her chest swells.

“I’m so in love with you,” Tobin breathes out in the short moment Alex’s lips leave hers for more air, her hands now running up and down Alex’s sides.

The forward’s lips barely touch Tobin’s again before she stops, pulling herself up to look at the older woman. Her mouth is slightly open and her pretty blue eyes are wide as her eyebrows ever so slightly furrow together.

Shit.

“What?” she says, staring blankly at Tobin.

Tobin’s mouth opens to say something, but nothing comes out. Her hands have gone still at Alex’s waist. “Um,” she stutters, trying to figure her way out of this one. “I…”

Alex sits up all the way, removing Tobin’s hands from her waist and sliding off of the midfielder. “You just said…”

There’s no point in lying now.

“I know,” she nods, sitting up rather awkwardly.

Silence sits between them for an uncomfortably long moment. Alex won’t even look at her now, eyes trained on her knees. Tobin wonders if she should say something - anything. She almost wants to apologize because she’s possibly ruined it all.

“You can’t be in love with me,” Alex finally states, looking at Tobin once again.

“Why can’t I, Alex?” Tobin asks, suddenly growing frustrated. She keeps her voice calm, though.

The younger woman shakes her head. “Because I love  Servando.”

There’s a newfound confidence in what Tobin says next. “That’s not the same as being in love.”

Alex almost glares at her, blue eyes slowly becoming icy. “What the hell are you saying, Tobin?”

There’s a lot of wine involved, but both of them are seeming to sober up quickly as the conversation continues.

“How are you going to tell me how I feel about Servando?” Alex continues in an almost venomous tone.

Tobin stares at her like she’s one of the dumbest people alive, which she kind of thinks Alex is right now. “If you’re in love with him, why are you sleeping with me?” She doesn’t let Alex answer because another thought comes to her mind, causing her to turn and face Alex as best as she can on the couch. “Actually, why are you doing whatever the hell you’re doing with me if you’re so in love with him, Alex?”

The forward scoffed, crossing her arms. “Don’t act like you’re completely innocent in this, Tobin.”

“At least I’ll admit that I’m not,” the midfielder spits out, her jaw clenching. All her pent up frustrations were coming out and this isn’t how she wanted this night to go, not at all. “but you, you’re something else.”

Alex shakes her head, anger visible in her features now. “You’re making this complicated.”

There is it again. All the “let’s not make it complicated”s Tobin’s heard time and time again over the course of the whole game they’ve been playing with each other. She doesn’t understand how Alex still thinks after all this time whatever’s going on between them isn’t complicated. Because - newsflash - it’s like incredibly complicated and causes her unnecessary amounts of worry and stress.

“You can’t be serious,” Tobin gawks at her, letting out a humorless laugh. “You’re avoiding the question, by the way.”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” the younger woman states with a scoff, standing up with her back to Tobin.

The midfielder also stands, glaring at the back of Alex’s head. “You never want to talk about this.”

“I don’t see the problem with that!” Alex snaps, turning around to face her. If she’s surprised to find Tobin already glaring at her, she’s not showing it one bit.

“And that in itself is a problem!” Tobin huffs, her arms wildly moving around as she raises her voice. “This has been complicated since it started, Alex. Why don’t you get that? It’s been complicated because I was in love with you even before the first time.” She drops her hands to her sides, letting out an exasperated sigh.

Alex’s eyes suddenly aren’t so hard and cold anymore. They soften, almost like ice slowly melting into disbelief. Her previously tense posture also eases, but she’s still guarded, still doesn’t move any closer to Tobin. “What?”

Tobin’s never been good with words. She hates confrontation - hates admitting things she’s scared to say. It makes her vulnerable and puts her out there; it takes her out of her normal easy-going state she knows embodies her identity. It’s a miracle she’s managed to live through the past five minutes with all the yelling and confronting she’s been involved in.

But even she can only take so much. And there’s no point in hiding anything anymore.

She looks down, chewing on her bottom lip before responding. “I’ve loved you for years,” she says in a quiet voice. “When you still had dark brown hair and got overly competitive when it came to monop deal.”

It’s silent between them, the only sounds are the faintest exhales they’re letting out. Tobin doesn’t dare look up; she’s too afraid of what she’ll find in Alex’s face. Alex just stares at her, bright blue eyes trying to understand what’s between them, how it all got so twisted.

“Oh Tobin,” Alex sighs. It’s almost pitying - perhaps it is in fact pitying, and Tobin doesn’t want to believe it. “If I had known--”

“Then what?” Tobin asks, looking up to face her. “If you had known, then what Alex? Would you have changed your mind? Why do you think I didn’t stop you? I knew it was wrong, I knew what I was doing. I didn’t want to lose you, you’re my best friend.” It’s getting harder to speak, but Tobin presses on in attempts to ignore the lump in her throat. “And I was stupid enough to think maybe there was something here for you too.”

The forward takes a few steps towards her. “No Tobin, I need you. You and I, we’re easy together. It’s simple.”

“ _Don’t_ say that,” Tobin says with clear hurt and anger in her voice Alex has never quite heard before. It makes the younger woman pause in her steps, eyes widening. “It’s never been simple, okay? It’s not simple when you’re in love and hooking up with your married best friend.”

Another silence comes, but this time neither of them look away. Tobin’s exhausted and the remnants of wine in her system are tugging her towards sleep. At least when she sleeps she won’t have to worry about this.

Alex shakes her head, pressing two fingers to her temple. “We’re drunk and tired and not in a good place. Let’s talk about this tomorrow?”

Except Tobin doesn’t feel very drunk anymore. The yelling has made her sober and tired, and her heart feels heavy in her chest. She can’t seem to take a glance at Alex without a pang in her chest and she knows she can’t go to sleep like this.

“I can’t keep doing this,” she admits, her voice broken and defeated.

“You’re my Tobin,” Alex almost whines, her voice small for the first time since she pulled away from Tobin.

“It’s not fair to have me be your Tobin when you already have your Servando,” Tobin replies, her heart sinking with every word. “You can’t have us both, Alex.”

Alex dares to take a step closer, her face falling. “But you love me, don’t you?”

“More than anyone,” the midfielder confirms with a nod. “but it wasn’t enough for me and only me to be yours.”

Alex bites her lip, possibly mulling over the words to say next, but Tobin adds on to her thoughts.

“Maybe I came too late or maybe you fell in love with him too soon, but either way I’m not the one you’re married to.”

And Tobin knows she can’t ask Alex to leave him. She won’t, she can’t. They live different lives no matter how close they are. It’s not some stupid fairytale where Alex leaves him for her and they live happily in their little soccer world. Alex seems to realize this - maybe she's known all along and just hoped it wouldn't catch up - too because her eyes water and Tobin detects a lump in her throat.

“Say yes to Orlando,” Tobin suggests gently, wiping away the tears. “It’ll be what’s best. We can’t live together anymore.”

“Tobin,” Alex tries, grabbing the fabric of Tobin’s shirt.

There’s tears welling up in Tobin’s eyes now, but she can’t turn back on what she’s said. She knows in her heart it’s what’s best for her, for both of them. This wasn’t meant to last, they weren’t meant to be together. Alex fell in love with Servando way before she even noticed Tobin.

She slowly pries Alex’s fingers away from her shirt, tries to ignore the way the younger one tries to grab her hand. Her own hands are shaking, but she needs to keep herself at least somewhat together.

“Please don’t make this harder,” Tobin whispers as more tears flow. “Please.”

Alex repeats what she told Allie not too long ago in a different city, except this time a tear escapes her. “You’re not the only one that’s hurting.”

Tobin offers a sad smile, the best one she can offer at this time. “Life’s not fair, Alex.” Now that Alex is close enough, she leans forward to place a ghost of a kiss on her forehead, closing her eyes. Pulling away all too quickly, she takes a step back.

She’s leaving in the morning and they both know it, both tried to pretend their little dance around each other could continue for the next few months, and maybe longer than that. Alex doesn’t stop the tears from falling and neither does Tobin. It’s tragic how far they’ve let it go, how it’s all come to this moment right here.

And even now Tobin loves the blue-eyed striker, loves her more than anyone she’s ever come across. She still loves the little things about her and still knows the forward’s body like the back of her hand. She knows she won’t forget those details.

“I’ll see you on tour,” Tobin says.

It’s weak and doesn’t hold much because they’re technically forced to be there anyway, but it’s all Tobin can think of saying before stepping around Alex and walking to her room, not looking back. Her chest heaves as she gets farther away, tears following faster with every step she takes. She locks the door to her room and cries, cries herself to sleep.

She knows she had to do it, knows it needed to come to an end. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Tobin doesn’t hear the silent sobs from her teammate just a room away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come yell at me @ shimshots on tumblr or just in the comments :-)


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